Heaven:All Your Questions About Heaven Answered
Q. Will we know each other in Heaven? A. No. You'll be stupider in Heaven than you were here on earth because you'll be so much older.
Q. Will we see our loved ones in Heaven? A. Yes, but you probably won't want to, since they will then know all about you.
Q. What will our rewards be? A. Religious trinkets of various sorts, such as little pieces of the ark, autographed photos of the 12 apostles -- things like that. People like St. Francis and Augustine and Billy Graham will probably do a little better, like harps or perhaps the actual fish that Jonah rode in.
Q. What will we do in Heaven? A. Not much. Just kind of float around in a righteous daze and stare at the Eon clock.
Q. Will we wear clothes in Heaven? A. No -- but by then we'll all be so old nobody will care or even notice.
Q. Will I see God in person in Heaven? A. Not likely, with His schedule of creating new universes, etc.
Q. Will I see my dog in Heaven? A. No. Absolutely not. No dogs are allowed in Heaven at any time. Don't ask.
Q. What about the insane and the aborted and the retarded and the deformed and those people who died before they could understand. Will they be in Heaven? A. Of course not. Why would we want people like that messing up Heaven?
Q. Jesus said "In my Father's house are many mansions." Will we each get a mansion of our own? A. No. He just said they were there, not that you would actually get one.
Q. What will be music in Heaven be like? A. Like church music in white Baptist churches of the 1950's before rhythm and guitars ruined it all.
Q. Will I have to stay in the New Jerusalem throughout eternity? A. Yes. There is no moving about.
Q. Won't it be cramped with millions of people in such a small area? A. Hey -- this wasn't my idea. Quit complaining or you'll lose your spot.
Q. Can I fly in Heaven? A. Oh, you can probably get a few feet off the ground, since the air is lighter there than on earth.
Q. Will I see my dear saintly grandmother who prayed for me all those years? A. Sorry, but no. She had some secret sins you didn't know about.
Q. Can you see Hell from Heaven? A. Yes, from the South-West corner you can get a glimpse of Hell, but I wouldn't look if I were you -- it's not a pretty sight with all those people who didn't vote right in the last election frying.
Q. Heaven sounds kind of boring and static... A. Maybe so, but just remember that when Heaven was created, Walt Disney had not yet been born. No doubt it would be a lot more interesting if God had waited and hired Disney to design it.
Q. Do we have to go to church in Heaven? A. Of course -- where do you think you are, anyway? A mandatory one-hour chapel service is held every morning at 11 AM, 7 days a week, except during the annual Revival Week, when the services are two hours long. All the people who were pastors on earth take turns speaking, so each pastor gets to speak about once every million-and-a-quarter years. The irregularity is due to some of the big guns -- Noah, Daniel, Job, Slusher, Courson, etc. -- showing up once in awhile, and of course they get first priority.
Q. What are church services like in Heaven? A. Pretty much like here on earth, except more boring, since everyone there has already heard it a million times.
Q. Will Rush Limbaugh be in Heaven? A. Unfortunately, no. It's a shame, too, because God really liked Rush a lot. It was the cigar smoking that did him in.
Q. Will there be sex in Heaven? A. Yes, but only for people with special holy underwear. You'll know if you're one of the ones, so please don't ask again.
Q. Will there be teenagers in Heaven? A. Are you kidding? Give me a break. God's not that stupid.
Q. Will we go to the bathroom in Heaven? A. It's not required, but there are designated areas for those who choose to.
Q. Do I have to stay in Heaven? What if I change my mind? A. Sorry Charlie. Once you're in, you're in. Stop being a wimp and face it like a man.
Ridiculous? You bet. For a serious and exciting exposition of the reality of Heaven, see "Heaven" by Randy Alcorn, available at all bookstores and at Eternal Perspectives on the web. Or see Jon Courson's book A Place For You: Reflections on Heaven. The Bible is also a pretty good resource for those so inclined to study a bit (II Timothy 2:15).
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